Bachelor's Fare
by Day of Diana
Summary: In the years since Sgrub was won, Eridan has become a very successful troll. He has friends, fame, and wealth. But something is missing from his life. On the eve of his best friend's wedding, he realizes what he needs most of all. Eridan/Jade.


_Oh hey there, everyone! It's been a while, huh? I'm really busy with college, so I can only write every so often. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this new story! _

**DISCLAIMER: **_Andrew Hussie's pulchritudinous characters do not belong to me and will never belong to me. Oh, I only wish that all of my crack pairings live happily ever after. :33_

**GLUB++++++++++++++++++++++++++GLUB**

It had been raining for days. It would continue to rain for several more days. Entire months, even. It was what the Earthlings called monsoon season.

But this was okay with Eridan. Whenever it rained like this he just struck out to sea and lived at the bottom of the ocean for months on end.

Sgrub and Sburb had ultimately ended with the kids and trolls as the winners. So they'd all thought that they could return to their home planets and la dee do live happily ever after. But as it turned out, Alternia had already been taken over by Feferi's ancestor, that evil bitchy witch. Sollux and the other psychics had transported as many trolls as they could to Earth, the only other habitable planet that they knew already had civilization on it. But many had died trying to make it over.

The only survivors, a couple dozen trolls, had made do for a couple of years by living secretly apart from the Earth people on a small chain of islands in the Pacific ocean. But the humans had found them, and there was a period of time in which the Alternians had to travel the globe meeting very important people and be experimented upon and explain their lives before they'd become ex-patriots and how they came to live on Earth. Then they had to be integrated into human society, which took a very long time and which they were still in the process of.

Some humans were very suspicious of them, and demanded that they be locked away. But more humans whole-heartedly accepted them and wanted to welcome them into the human race. The trolls could no longer breed with each other because they did not have a matriorb. So, many of the Alternians bred with the Earthlings. Their children were doing well, though occasionally one or two would be taken away to be experimented upon, or die while young. It was such a sad thing, to hear of it.

Eridan, of course, hadn't been in much of the spotlight for the whole integration process. Karkat had been the leader, meeting with the human kings and presidents and prime ministers. He was currently working his way up the echeladder in politics. Gamzee, Equius, Nepeta and Sollux had made for some very interesting scientific studies. They were all still contributing to the study of their species, but Eridan had heard since that they had settled down with humans as spouses. Kanaya had been the first troll to enter into a same-sex marriage with a human, Rose LaLonde. Feferi and Terezi had had some of the first troll-human hybrids (made in a laboratory environment because trolls did not have wombs) and were living happily with their husbands. Tavros, too, had sired a batch of babies and now lived on a farm in Normandy with his beautiful wife. Aradia had disappeared after Sgrub had been won. She was probably dead. Vriska had remained on Alternia, presumably to help Her Condescendence with taking over the universe. There hadn't been any communication between Earth and Alternia, though the best human astronomers were trying fervently to somehow get a signal through (all of the troll psychics/astronomers absolutely refused to aide them).

Eridan had stayed mostly out of sight for the first years following the humans' discovery of the trolls. He had, in fact, lived in the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean for seven years before he had thought it safe to set foot on land again. When he did, the human world was not quite over the fact that aliens had invaded their planet, but many had decided to tolerate their presence.

Even so, as soon as Eridan had walked onto a beach, using his lungs for the first time in years- humans had swarmed him. Some yelled at him to leave, some shouted at him to marry them (marriage was a concept he hadn't known of then), and most took picture after picture, the flashing of their cameras dazzling his vision.

It had set Eridan off so badly that he had snapped and begun flinging things... and people, around.

With almost a decade of living with non-anthropomorphic creatures, he had simply forgotten what humans/trolls were like, how unnerving they could be.

His rampage was all over the news the next couple of weeks, and Karkat pulled a lot of strings in order to get him out of trouble. The humans were going to throw him in jail or some odd concept like that, but Karkat had stopped that from happening and told him to lay low for another few years. So he had plunged into the ocean again. But this time he resolved never to surface.

However, half a year later a submarine had found him while closely sweeping the ocean floor. The crew had then stupidly tried to catch him, but he had punctured their little ship with Ahab's Crosshairs and they were all crushed by the water pressure. Soon more submarines came after him and though he evaded every single one for another six months, eventually one had caught him and he was thrown in prison for his murders.

Karkat came to his rescue again and had him set free after only a few weeks. This time, though, Karkat made him a lackey instead of turning him out to the sea. Eridan went with Karkat around the world to leadership conferences and other politically-related jobs. He made quite a few powerful friends and had a handsome salary. He even had a couple of flings with human females (and males), just to see what all the fuss surrounding interspecies romance was about. It was fun for a while, a number of years, actually, but then Eridan felt the odd need that trolls and humans get when they're old enough to settle down.

He had earned so much money that he wouldn't need to work again for a very long time. And add to his wealth his well-made company investments and interest in starting a modeling or acting career (he had entertained the prospects of those vocations often), he thought himself very well set for life.

So he had purchased a large property on a private island once belonging to an Australian superstar. The island itself was pretty big, had purple-sanded beaches, and was situated near Japan, which suited Eridan just fine. He really liked the culture of the Japanese and had, over the years, picked up the custom and language when he was there with Karkat.

Now it was the monsoon season and Eridan had sent all of his servants (locally imported from Osaka) back to their regular homes. He hated monsoon season and always moved to his place under the ocean for those months of the year. Well, he guessed he could go to Europe or the States or something, but he mostly used his hatred of the wet, humid season as an excuse to live in the sea for months on end.

He was readying his luggage and thought about taking some of his pet dolphins this year, but decided against it. Despite his many friends in high places and the numerous servants he employed and the occasional social event he threw, he still loved his alone time. Some days he never even wanted to see anyone and stayed in his bedroom chamber for hours. The lonely years he had spent in the sea had catered to and enhanced his introverted personality.

Just as he was about to heft his bags into his little go-kart (which he used for driving himself around the island and racing), his cell-phone rang. This was curious, as all of his friends and servants knew he took monsoon season off. The entire island was shut down for it even, save for cleaning and maintenance crews coming every so often. And although he could receive messages under water, he wouldn't come back to the surface world until monsoon season was over. Everyone who was connected to him knew that.

He put the phone to his ear. "This is Eridan Ampora."

"Hey, it's Karkat," said a grumbly voice at the other end of the line. "I know this is probably really short notice and all, but I've to tell you something really important."

Eridan waited.

Karkat took a deep breath. "...I'm running for president."

"Really?"

He wasn't surprised. Karkat had been making waves for months with his liberal policies, some of which were very influential in other countries and had already been instated in America, where the Cancer had decided to make his fortune.

"There's something else. Something that I want you to come to DC for."

"Wwashington DC? Kar, I dunno. I'm headin' under fo' monsoon season, like, right noww." He hadn't lost his accent in all his years of living among the humans. He even spoke in Japanese with it, which was highly confusing and amusing to the natives.

There was a grumble and then, strangely, some other voice mumbled in the background. It was a higher pitch than Karkat's.

"Please. It would really mean a lot to me if you came. You're one of my best friends. And we made a great team a few years ago. I haven't forgotten your help in forging new pathways for civil rights-"

"No more politician talk, Kar. I knoww my wway 'round that bullshit," Eridan said tiredly. He began lifting his bags into the little trunk of the go-kart.

"I wasn't trying to talk to you like that. What I'm saying is that I need a best man. And I want you to be my best man."

"Wwait, wwhat?" Eridan dropped the suitcase he was holding and it scratched a bit of paint off of his go-kart. "Augh, son a uh bitch!"

"Hey! Whoa, fuckass, all I asked is for you to be there for me at my gogdamn wedding! Jegus!" Karkat exclaimed. The higher-pitched voice was immediately audible again, its owner probably trying to calm Karkat down.

"Not you, you crab! I dropped my vvalise an' chipped my car by accident." Eridan huffed, frustrated. He bent down to examine the damage. It wasn't too bad.

"Oh," the other troll said, sounding a bit relieved. "You mean your go-kart? You can fix that no problem."

"Sure. But, anywway, wwhat is this about you marryin' someone?" Eridan walked back inside his mansion, closing the garaged door and locking it behind him. He moved to his den and plopped down in his favorite comfy chair.

"I am getting married to a wonderful woman. And I'd like you to be my best man. I'll fly you out first-class in the morning from Kansai International Airport."

Eridan thought about it for a moment. It was true that he thought very highly of Karkat, and the two had maintained a good friendship even though they lived on opposite sides of the globe. Each one sometimes went to the other's place for days at a time, attending conferences, social networking, all that jazz. Eridan had also kept in touch with a few of the other Sgrub players, but they did not contact him as often as Karkat did. He supposed he really should be there for Karkat on one of the most important days of his life. Alright then.

"Okay, I'll come. Havve a suit an' suite prepared fo' me, wwon't you?"

"You got it. A suite right next to the lake. Your suit is black with purple accents. And don't bring your collection of scarves."

Eridan smiled. "Gotcha. Wwho else'll be there?"

"Many of my political associates. My bride's family. And everyone from Sgrub and their immediate families. Except for... well, Vriska and Aradia," There was a vitriolic bite to the way he pronounced two female trolls' names.

"Uh-huh." Eridan could've guessed that five years ago.

"And everyone from Sburb is coming too. Jade, John, Dave... did you know that Rose and Kanaya are married?" There was a flicker of humor in the Cancer's tone. Eridan could imagine the smirk on Karkat's face.

"Yep. I kneww that. Heard that they havve a baby noww too."

Karkat sighed. "Yeah. I think most everyone has children now. Tavros has, like, six kids. And another one on the way, he told me recently. Plasters photos of them all over Facebook. They're cute, but I can't wait until I have my own."

"Wwoww, Kar. You havve gone soft in the shell, havven't you?" Eridan snickered.

There was a grumble to Karkat's voice as he answered, "Shut up. Don't you ever want to get married and have kids someday?"

The Aquarius pondered this. "Hmm. I dunno. I'm still fairly young. I don't think havving snot-nosed brats is the only wway to add more meanin' to my life. An' I'm startin' my first actin' job after monsoon season. Besides, I don't evven havve a girlfriend at the mo', Kar."

"Well, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. If you're happy, then I'm glad for you. Okay, then, be at the airport at noon tomorrow. I've got my private jet chartered to make the trip. And a limousine will pick you up at Dulles International Airport in Virginia. It will take you straight to your accommodations. I'll meet you there."

"Say, wwhen is the wweddin' anywway?"

"Three days from tomorrow. I sent an invitation to you a while ago, but it just arrived back here this morning. Apparently you don't take snail mail," Karkat replied.

"Ah," Eridan said, a bit embarrassed. "I don't 'cause a all the... fan-made stuff I used to receivve."

Cue the copious laughter from Karkat's end of the line. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Somehoww, bein' one a the only handsome, wwealthy, and pure-blooded seadwwellers wwarrants me alotta... proposals. An' I stopped the mail servvice evven before I became a model."

Karkat chuckled. "Tell me the weirdest one."

"Some wwise guy sent in a merman bloww-up doll along wwith a picture a himself, an' a really long fan-letter."

"Ha hah! Jegus, that's sick. Tell me you didn't use it."

Eridan made a disgusted face and reclined further in his comfy chair. "I didn't use it. Threww the wwhole package out as soon as I opened it, doll an' all."

"Good. I don't get a lot of fan-mail myself, but when I do it's certainly not boxes of sex toys. Geez, some people are just gogdamn screwballs."

The two trolls continued talking well into the afternoon. Karkat and Eridan usually talked once, sometimes twice, a week by telephone. But the past few times had slipped them by, as each was doing his own important preparations for the weeks ahead.

They finished speaking right around dinner time.

"Alright, well, see you in about a day. I hope you don't get mobbed by the crowd, especially since you're five times as popular in Japan as you are anywhere else."

Eridan laughed. "Thanks. Bye, Kar."

They both hung up, and Eridan began re-packing his suitcases for his trip to America.

**GLUB++++++++++++++++++++++++++GLUB**

_Eridan/Jade sexytimes are coming up, people! I know nothing here was mentioned about Eri/Jay, but that's kinda because Eridan isn't in love with Jade yet. And you may be wondering who sent Eridan that blow-up doll. It was none other than Hussie himself. Duhn duhn duhn! :33 (I'm a Leo, of course. Nepeta will be in the next chappie.) _

_Please review. I like reviews. They make me smile. And smiling's my favorite! :33_


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